The Most Extensive Collection of Ball Python Mutations in Captivity

NERD's YOU MIGHT BE A HERPER IF...
 
  • The local power plant knows the exact moment your timers go off!
  • You've bred rabbits for 15 years, yet have no idea what their average life span is.
  • You hear someone describing their new high-resolution 20" monitor and wonder if it's Australian or Indonesian.
  • The neighborhood animals start disappearing as your Green 'Conda passes the 200-lb mark.
  • You answer the door holding a big fat snake & wonder why the Jehovah's Witnesses won't talk with you.
  • Your snakes spend more time in your bathtub than you do!
  • You check the "free to good home" ads daily, yet have no desire to own a mammal.
  • Your house was raided by the police after a tipoff from the electric company suspecting you of growing pot.
  • You and a friend are overheard talking about your babies & someone asks about them, and you reply "yeah, my 'baby' is 15' long & weighs around 125 pounds!!!"
  • You have a special drawer to keep perfect sheds in.
  • Your friends ask you when the last time you scored was & you reply "Man, it was great! This guy sold me an 8' female Colombian & the 125 L for dirt just in time for breeding season," and they look at you like "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?!?!"
  • Your fellow herper asks you to lend him some rats... and the next day you come home & find two dead, decomposing rats on your doorstep with a little note saying "Thanks, I didn't need these after all!"
  • Your freezer is full but the kids whine that there's nothing to eat!
  • You're the customer at the pet store but answer all the herp questions.
  • You ask to borrow your friend's pet tree frog to rub a mouse on for that picky feeder. 
  • You overhear someone talking about monitors and you wonder what species they're discussing....you know your varanids, your favorite is the Crocodile Monitor - computers never even come to mind!
  • You purchase contacts that look like snake eyes so you fit in with your little world at home.
  • You keep deceased herps for sentimental value even after you've cleaned out the freezer time & again. 
  • You do a double take at the latest prime specimen in your local herp store haunt & as your significant other begins to glare you say "This is it!!  The last one I promise!! I promise!"...and you are believed for the very last time!
  • Your mom knows about you & your excursions out into the woods and into the local pet store, and now frisks you down as soon as you enter the house!
  • You tell your girlfriend/mother "that IS the same snake...it just changes colors and body shape. Yeah, it really is growing fast -  I changed its name from "Mr. Cal King" to "Annie Anaconda."
  • You quit smoking not to better your health, but out of concern for the effect of second hand smoke on your herps.
  • Your arms say you're an I.V. drug user...your python says you're dinner!
  • Your mind races endlessly as you imagine hatching your next clutch of designer ball pythons.
  • Your bedroom smells worse than your bathroom.
  • You suffer the "Oh yeah? Look at this baby!! I got this scar when I tried to take the RABBIT AWAY from my Burm!" "Yeah? That ain't nothing - my water monitor railed me when I cut his nails.  Check this out...4 stitches!" (This does not denote that any of these species do this!-Kev)
  • You feel guilty picking your "pet" rabbits in front of a group of bunny-adoring children. 
  • You bypass your girlfriend's Victoria's Secret catalog to get to your latest Reptiles Magazine.
  • The employees at the local pet store give you dirty looks every time they see you heading for the small animal section.
  • You convince your girlfriend that it was just make believe, anacondas don't get as big as the one in the movie, they only grow as large as the tank they're in! (No, that's fish logic!)
  • You have a bedroom but no bed!
  • You've learned that defrosting rodents in the microwave DOES NOT WORK!! (Splat! Really gross!!)
  • Your snakes are having a better sex life than you & you're happy about it!
  • You have way more pillowcases than you have pillows.
  • You tell the salesperson at the pet store you won't be needing the seven-day health guarantee on the mouse you just bought.
  • Your best friend's cat died & you wonder if you can have the body.
  • You name your rodents things like "Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner."
  • You tell yourself you don't look stupid while people are watching you flip rotted boards hunting for snakes on the side of the road.
  • You pretend that there really is a good reason to flip boards by the side of the road while people stare like you're crazy!
  • People come to your house and ask "What is that smell?" and you reply "What smell?"
  • You spend countless hours inventing stupid things like this.
  • You've ever warmed up your leftovers on heat tape.
  • You're CHICKLESS!!!
  • You drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of newspaper & feel guilty and sneaky when people look out their windows & come out yelling at you for stealing!
  • Your girlfriend gets mad because you spend way too much time in the Rubbermaid container section dreaming of ways to use them, yet give her a 2-minute limit when she's buying clothes!
  • You can go into someone's house and pinpoint the exact location of a decaying rodent.
  • You find a dead mouse that your friend planted in the bottom of a mayonnaise jar & laugh while eating your tuna fish sandwich. Yeah, good one...munch munch (nothing grosses us out).
  • You do your best to give the guy wearing snakeskin boots your dirtiest look & start to wonder if you could get off on just manslaughter.
  • You can speak Latin well but have never taken a formal Latin course.
  • You buy car loads of bark mulch but could care less about landscaping.
  • You want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for AIDS and a better way to kill mites.
  • Your neighbors watch your house closely during hatching season when they see people entering empty handed & leaving with small boxes, and then report you to the police as a drug dealer!!!
  • People ask you to pack the truck when they move because YOU have the uncanny ability to fit more fish tanks and sweater boxes into the smallest space available.
  • You can get to the center of the newspaper on the first try.
  • There is always enough room on your credit card to buy another herp, but you ignore your bills.
  • You are foolish enough to do this as a business & actually thought you might make a living at it.
  • People spend big bucks to get rid of rats & mice and you spend bigger bucks breeding them.
  • You're friends with a guy who owns a large reptile facility & invest all of your spare time trying to help him keep it going.
  • There is always space to set up yet another cage for your next herp.
  • You stop in a pet store just to look at the reptiles and end up buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
  • You spent your last dollar on a reptile book and don't get paid for another week!!
  • You drive an hour to a zoo just to visit the herps & buy a reptile shirt to wear tomorrow.
  • Your freezer contains more dead mice than ice cream.
  • You buy 100-watt bulbs by the case.
  • You keep your apartment at a constant 85F, with lights pointed at the couch to make a 95F basking spot.
  • You sex fruit flies when you're at a grocery store.
  • Upon seeing the Vanity Fair issue with the picture of Cindy Crawford naked, with a boa around her, the first reaction of my herper friends was "Nice looking snake, distinct markings...must be Boa constrictor constrictor...looks like a Surinam."
  • You see someone walking their Chihuahua or Yorkshire and think "hmm...snake food."
  • Your friends need to pull at least three guinea pigs out of the fridge when trying to find the salami.
  • You go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and veggies, none of which you plan to eat.
  • You judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
  • You get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets & your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs.
  • Everyone you know says "Why on earth do you want to go to DAYTONA, FLORIDA in AUGUST every year??"
  • Your husband tiptoes in to check on the baby Northern blue tongues every night just to "see how cute they are sleeping."
  • You get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one piece.
  • You've sold your soul to the produce manager in exchange for dandelion greens.
  • You sleep on the couch but have a lovely reptile setup in the bedroom.
  • You've said "Are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and don't own a single fish.
  • You evaluate potential apartments/townhomes by the location of the electrical sockets, & how easily the second bedroom can accommodate all of your turtle tanks.
  • You have 27 bowls marked "dog" or "kitty" and no dogs or cats.
  • You ask the local drug store for a No-Pest "fly" Strip in January.
  • You've ever microwaved a Cup O'Noodle & defrosted a mouse at the same time.
  • You got in trouble with your girlfriend for looking at the "free kitten" ads with a gleam in your eye. (Just kidding!)
  • You have a well-stocked medicine cabinet and none of it is for you.
  • The Delta Cargo people recognize you on sight.
  • You've ever told your apartment manager that you'll be able to pay rent after the eggs hatch .
  • Your wrists are so crisscrossed with scratches that people think you're just really bad at trying to kill yourself .
  • You tell people on the phone "I can't talk now, I've got a lizard on my head!!!"
  • You're lulled into a deep sleep by the melodic chirp of crickets even though you live in a high rise.
  • Redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in yet another aquarium.
  • You don't take vitamins but all your herps do.
  • You lie awake at night trying to figure out why your crickets aren't reproducing.
  • Someone at the emergency vet leans over and asks you if your animal is real.
  • You know the calcium-to-phosphorous ratios of common vegetables without looking them up.
  • You consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard greens and escarole to be "common vegetables."
  • You keep insisting to your spouse that the trio of Brazilian rainbow boas you just brought home only cost $45!!
  • You think finding bugs in your new house is a good thing.
  • You have a bag full of pinkies in the freezer next to your chicken breasts.
  • Your neighbors think you're a prostitute or a photographer because they can see a red light in one of your windows every night.
  • You have to explain to the lawn care company that you like dandelions and insects in your yard.
  • You've ever had to lecture a pet store employee/manager.
  • You've ever carried along a pillow case when mountain biking.
  • You've ever had to clean mouse guts off of ANYTHING.
  • You tell your snake she's "sexy" more often than you tell your girlfriend...and your girlfriend doesn't mind!
  • The person behind you at the checkout asks how you prepare the collard greens you're holding and you say that you haven't got the slightest idea...or you tell them, "Rinse thoroughly, chop into pieces no larger than the size of your hand, and dust lightly with calcium and vitamin supplement."
  • You find "tongue flicking" an attractive attribute in members of the opposite sex.
  • You refer to a pregnant woman as "gravid," and if she had twins you want to know if the babies came out with a ratio of 1.1, 0.2 or 2.0 & what they're het for, if anything?
  • Hetero doesn't mean heterosexual to you.
  • You separate your mail into 3 piles: "bills," "junk mail," and "this month's price lists."
  • You're standing in the pet store checkout line with your purchase in hand & the person behind you says "Oh, they're so cute! Do they make good pets?" and you reply, "These? Hmmm. Actually, I have no idea...I never thought about that..."
  • You get out of your car and start directing traffic around a rattlesnake so the wriggly thing can get away.
  • Your girlfriend tells you to choose between her & the snakes, and not only do you tell her you'll miss her, but calculate how many shoebox racks will fit in her half of the closet.
  • Someone tells you they have three balls and not only do you not think it's weird, you ask if you can see them!
  • You "accidentally" taped an episode of Jeff Corwin/Steve Irwin/Mark O'Shea over your wedding video.
  • You can rattle off product codes & dimensions for a multitude of Rubbermaid/Sterilite containers without a second thought.
  • You've EVER said, "Well, maybe I'll just raise this one for a year or so, just to see what it turns into..."
  • "Going to pick up a couple of hooks" has nothing to do with illegal adult activity.
  • You spend a whole week coming up with a theory to prove that there's a co-dominant gene in your family, and even label one of your family members a 'Super' - i.e. "half my family is fat, but my uncle is HUGE!!!!!"
  • You refer to your Jack Russell Terrier as a "piebald."
  • You can't understand why NOBODY has thought to make an adhesive for plastic comprised entirely of snake urates, and wonder if you can package & market the stuff.
  • You & your significant other consider an afternoon spent cleaning rodent cages "quality time."
  • There's someone in your life who understands why you think baby snake faces are CUTE, and doesn't think you're weird for it.
  • You've ever drawn out a punnett square for someone explaining hets, double-hets & co-dominant genes!
  • You have a snake that weighs more than you do!
  • Your girlfriend/wife yells at you for stealing the dish scrubber out of the kitchen every time you clean cages.
  • You spend hours designing elaborate feed cards & records for all of your animals, but can't seem to finish the spreadsheet/database your boss asked for a week ago.
  • Your wife banishes you to the couch after developing the family vacation photos & finding nothing but herp shots!
  • There's ALWAYS a spare hook, bag & GPS unit under the seat of your vehicle.
  • You haven't had to call an exterminator since that trio of Tokays escaped.
  • All you want for Christmas is RUBBERMAIDS!
  • "Cricket overcount" is part of your criteria for choosing one pet store over another
  • You ask for Banana and other tropical plants in January
  • Everyone wonders what "varanid" in your e-mail address means
  • You own close to 50 species of animals yet have never been to the vet
  • Employees at the pet shop ask you to help a customer while they're busy
  • You know all the major landmarks and natural formations of a country you've never visited
  • You own 50 animals and none have names
  • You head to the hardware store for reptile supplies
  • Your wardrobe consist of pet shop t-shirts from your previous employers
  • Your spouse shakes you down when you come home for hidden pillow cases
  • The family pool houses a 1.2 trio of Dwarf Caiman
  • You have a second "frozen zoo" next to the washing machine
  • Your pet "Fluffy" is a 150 lb. Water Monitor
  • At your child's "pet day", they're the only ones returning home with their pet
  • You buy herp books for animals you don't own
  • You find yourself yelling "Crikey!" at random moments
  • You've EVER been dumpster diving for cracked tanks
  • You spend your honeymoon at the F.I.R.E. show or Daytona Expo
  • You only do yard work in hopes of catching a herp
  • You use more electricity at night than during the day
  • Your Great Dane is afraid of going in the basement
  • Your plastic christmas holly plants are now the hunting grounds for chameleons
  • The bottoms of all your doors have plastic guards
  • You find yourself feeding severed Leo Gecko tails to your carnivorous herps
  • The local plant shop starts setting up tanks with animals for display
  • You patch up holes in the walls with Reptiles Magazine posters
  • You leave your glasses in the herp room at night and wait till the next to get them as not to disturb the light cycles of your mantellas
  • Your house needs to be painted but when you come back from the hardware store, you have 50 pounds of mulch, a case of 100-watt bulbs, and some concrete mixing tubs for water dishes & hide boxes
  • You skip meals to have extra money for the upcoming reptile show
  • You consider anything with fur and a tail fair game for your boa
  • Your homepage is Kingsnake.com's classifieds
  • Your reptile collection is worth more than your car
  • Your girlfriend can't give you goose-bumps like your snake can
  • The first time you hear about albinism in humans, you say to yourself, "Oh! I didn't know they made that morph..."
  • You've ever helped employees at a pet shop catch a loose gecko.
  • You know the exact price you have to pay for a bag of crickets at your local pet shop
  • You've ever missed an important family gathering to go field herping with your friends
  • You've ever had to call the fire department to get your monitor lizard out of the tree in your back yard
  • A coworker comments on your cologne and you say it's a combination of Reptivite and Reptical
  • It's DECEMBER and you're already dreaming of the Daytona Expo...next AUGUST!
  • You've ever popped a snake & somebody says, "Wow! Check out the hemipenes on him!"

 

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